


Men, We're in This Together

by satalderihannsu



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alien Culture, Bodyguard, Comedy, Culture Shock, F/F, F/M, Gen, M/M, Misunderstandings, Sex Toys, Sexual Frustration, Unresolved Sexual Tension, helpful coran, misuse of racial assumptions, protect the princess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-28
Updated: 2016-08-28
Packaged: 2018-08-11 14:52:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,839
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7896928
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/satalderihannsu/pseuds/satalderihannsu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Coran identifies a problem in the Voltron team, and seeks to resolve it. It's all to protect Princess Allura.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Men, We're in This Together

**Author's Note:**

  * For [DVDemoni](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DVDemoni/gifts).



Lance, expectedly, was the first to break. During pod cleaning, Coran noticed that the blue paladin had not been complaining for a surprising amount of time. He finished his monologue and turned round for a reaction only to find Lance molesting the cryogenic sleep pod he was supposed to be cleaning! With a half-lidded expression, he was stroking the continuous curve and muttering, “Yeah, I don't know how you stand listening to this all the time. What do you say you and me just--”

 

“Hold it right there!”

 

Lance jerked away from the pod in shock.

 

Coran put his hands to his hips, washrags giving him a rather nice flair, he thought. He arched his body to be maximally in Lance’s whole face. “What do you think you're doing?” he demanded.

 

Lance gave a weak, “Ahhhh- _ uh _ ?” in response.

 

Coran nodded. “That's what I thought!” He snatched Lance’s rag away and made a few sharp gestures toward the pod. “Like this!” Swipe-wipe. “You don't just pet it!”

 

Coran thought that would be the last of it.

 

The next indication that something was amiss came several days later. It was Keith this time, who almost single-handedly had exhausted the power reserves on the training deck. Completely. All battery banks fully drained and all attack droids had been damaged in some fashion needing repairs.

 

Coran checked the practice log, thinking this was the natural result of having five young paladins back on board. But only two names were in the logs at all (Keith and Shiro). Even today looked like this:

 

05:10:36 Paladin Keith

06:00:06 Paladin Shiro

08:21:20 Paladin Keith

10:10:51 Paladin Keith

01:29:22 Paladin Keith

01:58:49 Paladin Shiro

02:37:44 Paladin Keith

05:00:27 Paladin Keith

 

Coran thought a tick. It took one full day for an empty power bay to be fully recharged. It took ten full-tilt matches to exhaust a bay, including repair and recharge of the practice droids. There were twenty battery bays dedicated to the practice room…

 

“Good gravy in a sprinkler system!” Coran exclaimed.

 

Coran spent some time manually checking some of the more damaged droids and putting two more power bays on line, then prepared a sharply worded statement to be delivered at dinner. Once it was time, he cleared his throat, raised his spork into the air, and declared, “Clearly we need to set some ground rules for the training deck! No more than twenty training bouts should be done by any one paladin in a day, and no more than six droids should be disabled. If you approach that number, go ahead and pat yourself on the back for a job well  _ done _ , again with emphasis on the _ done _ bit. All right then? Good!” Hopefully that would curtail Keith's, ah, blood-thirstiness.

 

Lance laughed out loud. “Sure thing! I'll make absolutely sure not to spend every waking moment trying to destroy every robot on the ship.” Keith, however, stayed quiet and slunk into his chair.

 

Hunk was the one who made the whole thing more clear to Coran. The banquet dishwasher had broken again, and they had also unfortunately let some of the dishes for the last week build up a little. Luckily, they were made of a crystalline metal so that when Hunk dropped the first tower, no one was substantially injured and the dishes remained intact.

 

Hunk, however, sighed in melancholy. Coran put a comforting arm around the yellow paladin’s shoulders. “There-there! No worries! Just a bit of extra food goo to clean up!”

 

Hunk shook off the arm. “Sorry. That's not the problem.”

 

Coran shot to his full height. “What's that?”

 

Hunk had started picking up plates, bowls, sporks, and cups where they laid, and carefully re-stacking them. “It's just… we're out here, pretty much alone, you know? And, like, I start thinking about Shay and if she's doing okay, and wishing kind of that, I don't know, she could be on board. You’re great, don't get me wrong, and the princess…” He trailed off, an odd note in his voice.

 

The princess?

 

After Coran and Hunk had finished the dishes, Coran headed toward his quarters for a day well-done. Something wasn't sitting well with him, but his grandmother had always said you should ignore that feeling unless you thought it might be food poisoning.

 

Shiro was waiting in the hall near Coran’s door, however. His arms were crossed and he looked frustrated. Really, all the paladins had lately.

 

When Shiro heard Coran approaching, he pushed himself off the wall and met the bodyguard in the hall. “Hey, Coran. I need to talk to you.”

 

“Sure thing, Shiro!”

 

“How do I say this? Well, I bet you've noticed that everyone's a little on edge, right?”

 

Coran tilted his head in thought. “On edge? No. Irritable, to be sure. I’d even say troublesome and problematic, without really having good solid reason. But I wouldn’t say ‘on edge’.”

 

Shiro couldn't prevent the laugh. “Well, they,  _ we _ are. My team is all fairly young, with hormones running wild, you know? It might just be that earthlings crave a little more socialization at this time in our lives, you know what I mean?”

 

Coran thought about it. And it did make a certain amount of sense, he supposed. Why, when he was an Altaen youth, he had tried rather hard to spend some quality time with a lady of the court that he's really ought not have winked at in that manner. Of course, there were no more ladies of the court--

 

Unbidden, the memory surfaced in wibbly-wavy memory lines: Hunk, dish in hand, murmuring, “The princess….”

 

Coran clutched his chest.

 

“Coran?”

 

“Yes? What?”

 

“Are you all right?”

 

“No! I mean yes!” His mind was racing. Some bodyguard he was. There was a threat to the princess’s  _ dignity  _ and  _ well-being _ right here, and if Shiro hadn't pointed it out, he might not have noticed at all!

 

Shiro was still speaking. “So I just thought maybe giving the guys a bit of a break now and then. To regroup, or rest. I could use that too. We're far from anything we know…”

 

Coran nodded sharply. “Oh I understand!”  _ The princess is in danger.  _ “I understand fully.”  _ Right under my nose. _ “I know exactly how to help!”

 

Shiro smiled and patted Coran's shoulder. “Thank you. Really.”

 

As Shiro walked down the south wing corridor, Coran's face grew dark. “You won't be thanking me by the end of this, I assure you.”

 

It took almost two full days to gather the materials, but once assembled, he called the menfolk together for a special meeting. “ _ Right! _ ” he declared, silencing the other four in the room. “It has come to my attention that there's a problem in our midst, and it's one that we all share. And as this is a problem, we can't just let it go without a solution! A quick consideration of Altea’s databanks has provided some of the best solutions any good Altean man might use to solve such a problem, and so I have gathered some solutions here for your perusal. I understand that you might feel a little awkward, but want you to know that this is all perfectly natural and normal, and that all of  _ these _ are perfectly normal ways of dealing with such problems for Alteans.”

 

The paladins all spoke at once.

 

“Hunh?” said Lance.

“What are you talking about?” said Keith.

“What's this do?” said Hunk, poking an item on the table.

“Pardon?” said Shiro.

 

The room was filed with the mechanical whirring of the strange machine Hunk had poked. In fact, the table was full of peculiar, unrecognizable parts. Some looked like very specific cooking implements. Some looked like out-of-date plane repair tools. Some looked like traps for small, but ferocious, animals. “Oh, hey, a slinky!” said Lance as he reached forward.

 

“I wouldn't do that with your hand!” Coran held up a finger. “You have to coax it, in your private time!”

 

Lance withdrew his hand in genuine terror.

 

Coran began to slowly walk around the table, hands clasped together behind his back. “The point is, men, you are all hornier than an Altean toad beetle before its third breakfast. And you won't be able to focus on paladinning if you just keeping thinking about girls. To keep you focused, I have gathered sixteen top-of-the-line and completely standard, normal devices used in Altean processes to relieve tension in a natural and effective manner!” He pointed dramatically to the geared robot with a large scoop-shaped crown. “That one is a crowd-pleaser indeed. That one,” he pointed to one that looked like a metal belt with a cup full of spiders, “is best with the lights off. And that one,” he pointed to the one Lance had identified as a slinky, “well, I'll let you figure that one out yourself!” He made it back to his original position at the head of the table and triumphantly put his hands on his hips. “Any questions?”

 

Four stunned sets of eyes stared back. Shiro spoke at last. “So… these are all, uh, sexual assistants for Altaen people?”

 

“Yes indeedy! Top quality, too, for the royal family and all!”

 

The younger paladins flushed successively deeper colors.

 

Coran held out his arms expansively. “So, don't be shy. Go ahead and take as many as you like. There's enough that you can have four each!”

 

The paladins were all glowing in embarrassment. Hunk particularly so. He reached first for the slinky, then the one that looked like a swizzle stick, then the one with the most moving parts he could see. He just wanted to get out of the room. Lance was next. He looked like he might throw up a little, but dutifully took his allotted/required four items.

 

Keith glared at Coran. “You know this isn't necessary, right?”

 

Coran looked shocked. “But, Keith, it's especially so for you! I can't keep up with the repairs to the training deck otherwise.”

 

Sullenly, Keith grabbed four objects that clunked together and stormed out.

 

Shiro considered what remained on the table. He couldn't even think how they might be used. His eyes strayed to Coran, whose mustache was quivering with fierce determination. With a sigh, he gathered the remainder with a dull sense of disgust and concern. He gave a last stare at the last Altaen male in existence, and continued to his quarters.

 

Once they had all left, Coran collapsed into his chair. With luck, they’d bought it, and now believed that Altean sex was simply too weird to engage in  _ with the princess _ . It was a lie, but a lie to keep Allura safe. It was the only way.

 

Coran nodded to himself. Today he had executed his duties well!

 

**Epilog**

 

Pidge inhaled deeply, screwing up her courage. There was nothing to worry about, she thought. After all, for all their differences, some things were always the same, right? She raised her fist to knock on Princess Allura’s door.

 

**End.**


End file.
